The Desert of the About-To-Leave
Not quite a desert, perhaps, but I somehow felt a nod to Baudrillard was appropriate. Whenever I’m about to leave a place I’m established in, I feel as if the departure were unreal, illusory. This happens more strongly when my destination is another place that I am also somewhat established in (trips between Dublin and San Francisco fit this category perfectly). The feeling that the place I am about to go is somehow not real clings to me for a few days before I leave, getting stronger as departure nears. There is a corresponding other feeling, which is that the place I am in feels “more real”, in contrast to where I’m going. I start to feel as if I am more grounded where I am, more connected to where I am, as if I “should be” where I am, and not elsewhere.
This feeling is very strong even though I know that when I come to the end of my trip, my destination will have adopted this “real” aspect, and my original departure point will seem unreal…
I’ve been doing this for quite some time now, ferrying between the two places—really, between the two lives. They’re not completely separated from each other, thanks to the various miracles of modern communications, but the physical distance is enough to make them into two tracks. With each trip I jump to the other track.
I do wonder if this is the right approach, whether this is a futile rebellion against the distance or a commonsense way to maintain important connections. For the moment I intend to continue my trips about twice a year, as I’ve been doing since 2000, but now and then I consider cutting down on that, partly because I wonder if the roots in Dublin somehow prevent me from establishing deep roots in San Francisco. When I look at it rationally, I don’t see how that would be, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering if there are psychological reasons for it that I’m just not acknowledging.
The feeling of being “grounded” in the place that I’m in, as well as the feeling of unreality about my destination, get stronger as the trip approaches, but don’t reach a real crescendo because they get overwhelmed by the logistical preparations for departure. I think, though, that the feeling of being strongly connected to where I am is something that I should attempt to cultivate wherever I am, all the time. It’s not quite “being in the moment”, but it’s a stronger sense of “being there”, and I would probably benefit from having that more, rather than the usual drifty/disconnected states I often find myself in.
Here’s to being there.
08 Aug 2006 at 13:41
Interesting article, and something I’ve thought about myself from time to time. You’re right to question the sensation, you need to let go of one place and make the other your base. You can’t have two true homes. Well, some people can, but it sounds very much like you’re one of the many who can’t quite deal with dividing yourself between two spiritual homes. Let go and dive in! These things shift and change over time. Where is home in your dreams?
For me, it’s always going to be an old Georgian house deep in my dreams because that’s where I spent my childhood, and I have a feeling that I’ll find it hard to find a true home anywhere.
08 Aug 2006 at 16:35
Well, I don’t really have any true home. And I don’t think that letting go of one would make the other a “truer” home. There are benefits to retaining the ties, too, so while it’s something to think about, it’s definitely not clear that I should alter my current pattern so significantly.
Where is home in my dreams? I don’t know. I don’t really know where home is when I’m conscious, either. The question of home has always been problematic for me.
In any case, taking advantage of the feeling of “grounding” I get when I’m about to leave is probably quite important. It at least lets me know that I should strive for that state all the time, wherever I am. I seem to be making progress in that direction.