AFBH 11: Pages 137-141

12:57 Wed 11 Oct 2006. Updated: 14:25 13 Oct 2006
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Episode 11. The “lominator”.

Covenant undergoes trial by rod, and Uncle Sea Butter dispenses wisdom.

137-141, starting at “Bastards!” and ending with “He is a wrong in the Land.”

Canaan AKA Uncle Sea Butter


The intro starts with a shot of Magic: The Gathering cards (1 Crossbow Infantry, 4 Islands, 3 Plains, all white-bordered, all Seventh Edition and all untapped) on the bed. The camera pans over to a deck and graveyard (showing a face-up Seventh Edition Lava Axe above some unseen cards), and then to another group of cards—a black-bordered Ghazban Ogress from Unglued, four white-bordered Mountains, a white-bordered Forest, and a black-bordered Unglued Forest. We then see Julie, who is holding five or six cards and says “Heatherly, I’m gonna attack you with my Lesbian Ogress” (02:12). She then taps the Ghazban Ogress. Heatherly blocks with her Mesa Chicken (02:20). Julie says “Fine, then we’ll both go to the graveyard” (02:22). They put the cards in the graveyard and stare intently at each other before Julie says “Then I’m gonna play my Orcish Oralflame” and holds up a Seventh Edition Orcish Oriflamme (02:32). She taps 4 Mountains for the Oriflamme. Heatherly asks if she’s done, Julie says she is, and Heatherly (skipping her draw step) says “Okay, fine, then I’m gonna, like, block you with my Venereal Monk” (02:42)… here they depart from the actual rules of the game, at least in terms of what they’re saying. Julie says it can’t block because it has summoning sickness, so Heatherly says she’s going to put it into play (02:52), which she does, tapping 3 Plains and putting the Venerable Monk onto the bed. Julie picks it up quizzically, and asks “Why would Steven R. Donaldson put this in the Magic cards?” (03:02). Heatherly says it kind of makes sense since Covenant is a pervert (03:10).

(Sadly, I wasn’t able to provide them with an Uktabi Orangutan in time for the filming of the show, so the “sex monkeys” missed a chance at public access cable fame.)

The beginning spiel is sillier than usual, featuring Heatherly hitting Julie with the book, and Julie saying she always forgets parts of the intro (03:52).

###Analysis of Pages

Heatherly recaps up to “Bastards!” (p137) (04:34). She continues with the current pages by saying that “there are these three guys, and two fag hags” who are around Covenant, and recounts the exchange between one of the women and Soranal (05:04). Then she goes through “Atrium” asking why scouts are necessary, the “the Land is in peril” response, and Llaura’s introduction (05:44).

Heatherly quotes Llaura’s words that “all servants of the Gray Slayer are not dead. It is our belief that the Raver has been among us” (p138, the text says “a Raver”) (06:18).

Heatherly paraphrases the story of Jehannum’s visit to the Woodhelvennin (06:25-07:50)

During this section she and Julie agree that lomillialor is actually “lominator” (07:07). At 07:31 the words “Lominator = Son of Staff of Law” appear on the screen.

Heatherly describes how the Woodhelvennin brought out the “lominator” and approached Covenant to test him. She doesn’t describe the test itself, going right to “The High Wood rejects him. He is a wrong in the Land.” (p141) (08:19)

Heatherly asks Julie if she’s ready for the “anal-lysis” (08:33), and Julie replies “You mean the Sore-anal-lysis?” (08:36).

Heatherly asks why “that guy” (meaning the Raver) was “such a dick” (08:55). Julie agrees that he was dick, but says that in his defense, the Woodhelvennin did have really lame crafts and customs (09:05). When challenged by Heatherly, Julie uses the crafts of the “hot teenage girl” from Episode 6 as an example of poor crafts. Heatherly points out that those were the Stonedownors, and that she thinks that the Woodhelven [sic] have “really awesome, bitchin’ crafts” (09:33). They both agree that the Woodhelvennin are probably really good at decorating (this still on the misapprehension that the Woodhelvennin are all gay (and further on blatant gay stereotyping)).

Julie asks about the “lominator test”, saying that she thought the Woodhelvennin just wanted to beat the crap out of Covenant (09:54). Heatherly agrees, saying that she thought they didn’t like Covenant and just wanted to beat him up with the big stick of truth.

Julie at 10:40 says that she thinks that they wanted to beat Covenant up because he reminded them of that guy who got away—which isn’t at all far from the truth. Heatherly then says that there probably isn’t any such thing as the truth stick (10:45) and that it’s just an excuse to beat the crap out of people.

Julie asks what it means to “relearn the defense of the Land” (11:16). Heatherly wonders if it’s judo, and they then wonder if it’s fighting with sticks—or just beating the crap out of people with sticks, because that’s something that could be relearned in a day.

Heatherly wants to know how the Woodhelvennin could have ignored the actions of their children at Jehannum’s arrival, as “the children shrank from him with unwonted cries and fears” (p139) (12:12). Julie responds by saying she’s confused as to how these children got in “gay Woodhelven” (12:15). Cameraman Terry pipes up with an answer of “fag hags” (12:21).

Between p135 and p137, they skip only the description of Covenant being raised into the chamber in the trees.

Llaura tells them (speaking mainly to Atiaran) of the visit to Woodhelven of a Raver, going by the name of Jehannum, who visits them in the guise of a Stonedownor. When they eventually realized that he was suspicious and attempted to test him, he successfully ran away from them. Llaura then expresses their intent to test Covenant, at which point Atiaran protests, and in protesting exclaims “Melenkurion“, which prompts the Woodhelvennin to treat her as definitely a friend and not a Raver, as this is an invocation that the servants of the Gray Slayer would apparently not use (of course, this raises the question of why they don’t simply apply that as a test…).

Atiaran apparently protests because she believes it would be dangerous to apply the test to Covenant.

Llaura reveals that when he was among them, Jehannum warned them of a number of things, including the imminent arrival of “evil in the semblance of Berek Halfhand” (p140). Atiaran asks them not to take the word of a Raver, but the Woodhelvennin test Covenant anyway, throwing him the lomillialor rod. He fails to keep ahold of it, and this apparently constitutes failure, so they deem him “a wrong in the Land” (p141).

One of the key themes here, again, is the background rise in “evil” in that Land, and the relative innocence of the people of the Land in relation to it. Jehannum’s conduct seems extremely odd, however—are the Ravers so unable to manage subtlety that the best he can do is come to town, scare the children, insult the people and their culture, and then flee? That certainly doesn’t seem like a smart enemy. If Jehannum’s purpose had been to stir up anger against Covenant, it seems that he could have done rather better.

###Key Misunderstandings

The test of truth is applied with a lomillialor rod—not a “lominator”.

The Woodhelvennin are still not gay—certainly not gay as a kind of tribal attribute.

###Action Sequence

The Fantasy Action Sequence begins at 12:43.

The first scene opens with Llaura asking Soranal if there are only two (13:07). He replies that there were only two and that his name is pronounced “SOR’nal” (13:11). The Woodhelvennin are all drinking and partying throughout this action sequence.

“Atrium” protests at their treatment, and Llaura attempts to mollify her, introducing:
* herself (13:35);
* “Omournil, daughter of Mournil, she’s Jewish, you know” (onscreen text reads “Omouril, daughter of Mournil”) (13:40);
* “SorANAL, son of Thriller” (onscreen text reads “Soranal son of Thiller”) (13:44);
* “Padrias, son of Mill” (onscreen text is “Padrias, son of Mill”) (13:51);
* “Malliner, son of Venenin” (onscreen text is “Malliner, son of Veinnin”) (13:55); and
* “Baradakas, Hirebrand of the lillinrill” (onscreen text is “Baradakas, Hirebrand of lillianrill”) (14:03).

They then tell the story of Jehannum, starting with Llaura, followed by Padrias and Omournil.

At 15:36, Baradakas asks “Atrium” if she knows about “the lominator”, telling her that it’s made from the tree that the Staff of Law was made from.

At 15:41, the Woodhelvennin begin chanting “lominator, lominator, lominator”. “Atrium” protests, but to no avail—at 15:54 Llaura stops the chant and says “we need to test the Unbeliever with the Lominator 2000″. “Atrium” continues to protest, asking them about the Oath of Peace, but they are unmoved.

At 16:11, Baradakas says “This is the Lominator 2000″, holding a red plastic baseball bat with “Lominator 2000″ written on it. The rest of the Woodhelvennin ooh and ahh, some saying “it’s so big!”

At 16:22 scrolling text reads:
> pg. 141
> “But the Hirebrand’s
> next move caught
> him by surprise.
> Baradakas swung his
> rod and lofted
> it toward
> the Unbeliever.”

From 16:26 to 16:26, we see a first-person view of Covenant being beaten first by Baradakas, then by Malliner, then by Padrias and Soranal, then by Llaura, and finally by Soranal.

This is followed by scrolling text reading:
> pg. 141
> “For an instant,
> everyone remained still,
> frozen while they
> absorbed the meaning
> of what they had seen.
> Then, in unison,
> the Heers uttered
> their verdict with
> all the finality
> of a death sentence.

The Woodhelvennin chorus “He is a wrong in the Land” (17:51). Covenant reaches for “Atrium”, but she turns away from him (17:57).

The Fantasy Action Sequence ends at 17:58.


The expert is Canaan, who we first hear of when Julie says “Oh, Canaan’s got the kilt lifter” (18:05). Canaan appears at 18:12. He is wearing the expert jacket. Heatherly and Julie feed him grapes and beer. He says he’s read Lord Foul’s Bane more times than he can count, and that he probably reads it at least once a month, and that doesn’t answer the question about how many times he’s read it, instead saying that it’s like a “way of life” for him.

Julie asks him why Steven R. Donaldson would create a Magic card called “Venereal Monk” (18:58). Canaan replies that Donaldson has nothing to do with Magic cards, at all.

At 19:31 Julie remarks that she thinks this is the first expert they’ve had to feed beer, and grapes.

Heatherly wants to know why the Woodhelvennin were so insensitive to their children, ignoring their reactions to Jehannum (20:03). Canaan responds that the kids needed Ritalin, and there wasn’t any Ritalin in the land.

They argue about the pronunciation of Llaura, finally settling on “Lllll-llllaura” (20:37).

At 21:05, they help Canaan take off the expert jacket (making him the first male expert, second overall after Jennifer, to be relieved of the jacket in the course of duty).

They start chart-writing at 21:08, on the topic of “What do you think will happen next?”

At 21:09, Heatherly realizes that she doesn’t have any paper to draw on. How she gets some isn’t revealed.

Chart-writing ends at 21:43.

Heatherly’s chart (21:51) shows Covenant and “Atrium” getting to the Council of the Lords and being given the Staff of Law, while “Atrium” tells the Lords to kill Covenant.

Julie’s chart (22:29) shows a dog falling into a bottle, a “rainbow thing” that they find at the end of the Woodhelven village, the “One Cherrry Tree” and by it a “pyramid that holds the key”.

Canaan’s chart (22:52) is “a picture of spring”, because the next chapter is titled “The Celebration of Spring”. Heatherly and Julie make fun of his drawing from 22:58 to 23:20.

Heatherly’s next question is whether Baradakas is “at least bi, ’cause that would be really cool” (23:44). Canaan says “I’m supposed to answer this?” to Julie (23:48), who nods. Canaan then says “I don’t believe he’s bi” and then assents when Julie says “so he’s just homoerotic like the rest of them?” (23:59).

Julie asks “Why would Steven R. Donaldson name a character ‘sore-anal’?” (24:10), and Canaan says “he didn’t”, prompting Julie to get the book and show his name, underlined on page 137 (24:17). Canaan replies by saying “Sorahnal”, and when Julie asks “Like ‘sir ronald’” says “yes.”

Julie insists, however, asking Canaan if “sor” is still pronounced “sore”, and then “how do you pronounce ‘A’ ‘N’ ‘A’ ‘L’?” (24:57). Canaan can’t keep from laughing, and isn’t able to come up with an answer.

The “post-coital” segment begins at 25:24.

Heatherly says that her favorite part was when “they just started kicking Thomas Covenant’s ass” (25:49).

Canaan’s favorite part was “Llaura” (26:08)—which he pronounces “L-laura”, prompting Julie to proclaim she was right and to hit Heatherly with the book.

Julie doesn’t cite a favorite part.

The end credits show the Woodhelvennin dancing.

After the credits, at 28:02, it cuts back to Heatherly and Julie. Heatherly asks “Man, I wonder what that must have been like, to get beat up with the Lominator, I mean…”. Julie produces a metal bowl and a wooden spoon from under her pillow, gets Heatherly to put the bowl on her head, and then beats the bowl with her spoon, saying that that’s probably what it was like, and repeating “She’s-a-wrong in da Land”.

###Words Defined

First appearance of Magic: The Gathering cards, 01:58
First appearance of Llaura, 12:56
First appearance of the Lominator 2000, 16:11
First expert they’ve had to feed beer, and grapes, 19:31
First male expert to lose the expert jacket during the expert sequence, 21:05

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